I’m an otaku neet. I’m hideously shy, annoyingly honest and honestly annoying, slightly deaf and slightly blind, truly unruly and ugly as sin, useless and shiftless and jobless, foolish and ghoulish and childish, completely off the rails and off the rails I am happy to stay. I spend most of my time watching anime, playing video games, and reading novels, light novels, and visual novels, mostly in their original Japanese which I've studied for a while as I encourage any serious otaku to do. I know I’m unloveable, you don’t have to tell me.
Of course, love is not much more than mere consolation without a hero’s journey attached, and those have all flown out the window. The queen is dead, boys, and there is no love in modern life. Everyone lies, no one minds. Where is the man you respect and where is the woman you love? Everyone’s lost, they’re just pretending they’re not. Playing the game of make-believe that everyone else is busy with became too much of a chore. Everyone’s chasing affection, because everything in America tells you that’s what you ought to do, and everyone has emotional air raids rained down upon them.
Watch an old movie or visit your local cemetery. All those people, all those lives, where are they now? They were born and then they lived and then they died. Life tends to come and go, but that’s okay as long as you know. I would much rather be myself than George Washington or someone like that. I don’t think these so-called heroes have done much worthy of praise. Surely no one could take a serious glance at society and find it something to be proud of. I find Lain much more commendable for choosing to erase the world’s memory of her existence. Now that’s heroism.
I’ve decided I don’t need more ammunition; I’ve got more than I can spend. I’ve flirted with the idea of giving up everything for years. Since middle school, I’ve always had a habit of haphazardly cutting off even the closest of friends and retreating into myself. I remember on my winter break from university in 2022, I was sitting in my empty room of my apartment, alone, watching one of the later seasons of Monogatari, and I had this belated realization that I simply prefer anime to reality. I tried living in the so-called “real world” instead of a shell, I really did, but I was bored before I even began. Nevertheless, I always kept one foot chained to that iron ball because I just didn’t know better, I was too brainwashed to understand I had a choice, that I could say “no” if I wanted to. That lingering attachment to the “real world” was a bad dream that lasted 25 years, 3 months, and 21 days. Possibly eight of my nine lives. Then — January 18, 2026: that morning I decided to say “yes” to myself and “no” to everyone else, and later that day I was reading Kino’s Journey, specifically the fifth chapter of the first volume, a very inspiring story, and I realized I was the happiest I’ve ever been. My chronic headaches and twitches of fatigue immediately melted like magic, and they haven’t come back since. I’ve truly never experienced anything so redeeming as that moment. For me, attachments are anxieties, and it was a slice of nirvana to sever as many as I could. I don’t regret the past at all, misguided and a waste of time as it was, because it let me affirm at that moment that I finally made the right decision for once. Now I live my life exactly the way I want to, exactly as I will undoubtedly die (and I don’t care if I die tomorrow, because I'm simulating death already) – happily alone, putting myself before all else.
I don’t mind if people still living in the past forget me. I implore them to. I would erase all the memories anyone has of me if I could. If you’re someone who met me in my first 25 years and you found this site looking for me, there’s a good chance that I ghosted you, sorry. It was as much my fault as yours. I really simply prefer my company to everyone else’s. When I occasionally get tired of that I know a fine group of guys I can have a drink with once every month or two (hello to them too if they stumble on this). I don’t like participating in other people’s rules and games. The pressure to change and move on is strange and very strong; I’m a Libra, incidentally.
I’ve never had a real job because I’ve never wanted one. Why would I give the rest of my valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die? People living in the “real” world think they can be rude just because they wear someone else’s uniform and sweetly pay their taxes to bomb innocent women and children. Haves cannot stand have-nots. Have-nots like me, happy to never be anybody’s hero, jeer the lights of freedom in the windows of their safe and stable homes. We shake their worlds without even trying. They’re too afraid to give up their notions about reality because they’re too far in already. They keep their brains between their legs. They don’t want to acknowledge the glass hidden in the grass. They genuinely think I was forced to choose this way of living and that I’m not really happy about it. For everything they have, they lack imagination.
If you’re one of these people who are obsessed with HAVING all the things that the world told you that you need to have, having a shitty job, having a shitty boss, dragging a screaming kid into this hellworld, meanwhile spending all your money on sex and drugs to drown out your emptiness: this might make you throw up in your bed, but I would NEVER want to be you. I’ve seen you smile, but I’ve never really heard you laugh… so who is rich and who is poor? Your insistence on playing the game that someone else dropped you into only reveals that you lack good taste, which is (proudly) all I have. I don’t need your morality to save me. I don’t need your benevolence to make sense. If you try to break my spirit, it won’t work because there’s nothing left that can break. The choices I’ve made may seem strange to you, but who asked you anyway? It’s my life to wreck my own way. You’ll spend your life trying to fill the hole in your heart and on your deathbed you’ll realize you never did. As for me, my heart is full. Being cringe is based. This world is designed for terrible bores. I choose to live in another world, a better world, so don’t feel bad for me. I don’t dwell on things I’m missing, I’m just pleased with the things I’ve found. And I find I’m okay by myself. I promise, you poor little fools, that there are worse things in life than never being someone's sweetie. Can you hear me say these words and still you don't believe me? If you don’t believe me now, why don't you find out for yourself? I can’t spell it out any clearer for you while it’s right under your nose, so I won’t even try to.
This silly site can more than sufficiently serve as my silly legacy, so as not to leave it all entirely unsaid in the wasteland of my head. It’s here to remind me how cool I am; to function as an example to rectify the popular image of the otaku/recluse as a sad, involuntary existence (an image that is propagated to control people, not to reflect reality); and maybe to inspire others like me to follow my lead and give up everything. What makes most people feel happy leads us headlong into harm. I don’t need any “friends”, but if you’re cool like me then feel free to share your own experiences or anime recs, it’s not too hard to find me. What kept you so long?
Tl;dr
Attachment is anxiety. I have overcome death through simulating it. Now my heart is full :)